apparently the secret to your success is patron
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
