o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
