I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
