the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Houston, we have a squirter
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
