why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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