I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
