Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I have aggressive nipples.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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