Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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