oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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