I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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