I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
