Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Randomize
