Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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