I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
