My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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