my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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