the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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