A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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