I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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