it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
