nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
