Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
