I just saw a hot homeless man
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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