Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
