Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
