Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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