You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
