why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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