Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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