youre lurking in front of me
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
