I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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