That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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