theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
