he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
