be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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