There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
