So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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