Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize