I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
