I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
my god I love twenty year old dicks
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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