She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
