I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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