i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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