Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize