According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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