my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
