Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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