She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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