The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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