Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
