the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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