I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
