I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
