The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
