every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
