I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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