ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize