If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
