when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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