Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I need a beard to bite.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
