Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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