Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
