my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
